Accounting Jokes ( Please feel free to submit others )   Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? A. Depreciation.   Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take theirwallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountantnumber two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies,"it's that $50 I owe you."   An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near thedinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years andten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."   An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Tax Accountant's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Attorney asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Tax Accountant doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it's the Tax Accountant's turn. He asks the Attorney: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep. "Why did the accountant cross the road?" Here are the top 10 responses. 10) To open a consulting practice. 9) What else does an accountant do for fun? 8) To count the chickens. 7) Because the lawyers were on the first side. 6) It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side. 5) So he could charge the client for travel expenses. 4) The client told him to. 3) Because that's what was done in the prior year. 2) To bore the people on the other side. 1) Because he just broke GAAS on the first side. An accountant was walking on the countryside when he found a shepherd who had a lot of sheep. The accountant said to the farmer: “Listen farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have. The farmer started laughing “Oh, dear! I have a lot of sheep. You will not be able to guess how many there are. “Lets bet something: if I guess how many sheep you have, you will give me one of your sheep. If I don’t, I will pay you $100. “Ok, how many there are? “There are exactly 1,354 sheep. The shepherd was shocked: “Incredible! I really have 1,354 sheep. Well, a bet’s a bet. You win. Choose the sheep you want. “Oh, I will take this one“, said the accountant and he took one. “Wait for a moment, sir”, said the shepherd, “Let’s do another bet: if I guess what is your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don’t, you can take another one”. “OK. “You are an accountant. “Oh, God! That’s true. But, how do you know it? “First, give me back my dog, and then I will explain it to you. ---------------------------- An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."   Three accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!"This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!""And that's a big deal?" asked the barkeep."You bet," said the same accountant, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"   Top 10 Reasons to Prepare Your Own Return 10. Nothing beats that 'waiting until the last minute anxiety ridden' feeling 9. What's more fun than having to learn another complicated software program 8. IRS tax publications are better to read than the latest bestseller 7. Who needs a Pro, next year I'm going to do my own appendectomy too 6. Schedule A, 1040, Schedule D, 1099's, W-2's, c'mon it's just so intuitive 5. If you can't go to the dentist what possibly could be more fun 4. With state returns, I get to do it twice! 3. A weekend skiing or a weekend locked in a room filling out tax forms, who wouldn't choose tax forms? 2. Getting audited is a great way to meet new and interesting people  . . . . and the number one reason to prepare your own return . . . 1. The government could really use some more of my money so who cares if I miss a few deductions   Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my analyst off as a business deduction. The Government said it was entertainment. We compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. -- Woody Allen A well dressed accountant went into a bar to quench his thirst after a long day doing tax returns. He sat down, ordered and began to drink his beer. Almost immediately he heard a strange high-pitched voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around, he could not discover the source of the voice. Next he heard, "Your taste in clothes is impeccable!" The accountant's eyes darted about the bar, searching. Nothing! And shortly thereafter, "You are obviously a very intelligent man!" Again he could not figure out who was talking or where the voice was coming from. The accountant could not understand what was going on, so he called the bartender over and said, "I keep hearing voices! Where the hell are they coming from?" The bartender smiled, "Oh, don't let the voices bother you, sir... It's just those complimentary peanuts."   The CPA had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?" ---------------------------------------- A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or to where. Seeing a man walking down the street, he cries out: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?" Eyeing the man in the balloon the passerby says: "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field." "You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident. "How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by. "Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now, " answered the balloonist. The accountant says "You must be a manager." The balloonist says "How would you know that?" The accountant replies, "Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, and you are exactly where you were 10 minutes ago but somehow it's now my fault!"               Rhode Island, RI, accounting, accountant, audit, tax, taxes, tax help, tax returns, financial, advisory, certified public accountant, CPA, cpa, New England, Warren, Bristol, Barrington, Newport, Portsmouth, Middletown, Tiverton, forecasting, budgeting, tax planning, irs, audit, AICPA, RISCPA